Things Tolkien Characters Would Never Say

[Lady Adara]

I saw this somewhere (God help me if I remember where, exactly), and found the results hilarious. The point is to come up with things that you know Tolkien characters would never say - ever. Very funny stuff, no matter how bad people think theirs are.

Maedhros: Hey, leave my hand alone!! Don't you dare cut it off!! I'd rather stay here!!

Galadriel: I really don't get it...

Legolas (to Haldir at the Deep, film version): What in Eru's name are you doing here? We don't need you!

Saruman: Yeah, yeah, I'm coming - let me finish this sonnet first.

Elrond: ...The Ring must be destroyed. One of you must do this.
Gandalf: Why does it have to be one of us? Why not you? You were there when Isildur found it - why can't you get up and do something for a change and get rid of the darned thing yourself?

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me... I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: Honestly, do you ever shut up and stop feeling sorry for yourself? Every time you open your mouth, I swear you sound so unbelievably pathetic.


~ Adara

[Mithwen Delbaeth]

LOL.

Gimli: Why don't we run away from the orcs this time?

Gandalf: Nice Balrog, good Balrog, now just stay here while I RUN FOR MY PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE!

Sauron: I think I will retire from being evil and go work in a charity center somewhere.
Morgoth: That sounds like a good idea! I'll come too.

Eowyn: AHHHH! Help! It's a Nazgul!!! RUN AWAY!

[Lady Elwen]

Elrond: Um, do you get this?......

Frodo: Just bury that bloody Ring! Who's ever gonna know??

Estel: *sings* Oh I just can't wait to be king! (i.e. prior to Fellowship/War...)

Saruman: Hey Gandalf - wanna take that pala... pil... pie... crystal ball thing for me?

Sauron: Tea, anyone?

Sam: Oh, go throw yourself into Mordor, Frodo.

Eomer: Hey wait... why aren't we selling horses to Mordor?

Haradrim: Hey look - what's going on with the volcano? Looks like Mordor!

Faramir: Give me the blasted Ring!! Power, my preciousssss!
(canon-based, not film...)

Gollum: Huh? What Precious?

Shadowfax: Anyone for pony rides??



~ Elwen

[Mithwen Delbaeth]

Aragorn: Ooo, look at the cute wittle puppy! Legolas, isn't he cute? Ahhh! He's trying to kill me! Help! Help!

Legolas: I missed. *sobs*

Denethor: Faramir, why don't we go to Gondor Fun Land and have some father/son bonding time!

Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed.
Gandalf: Actually, I was thinking about making a peace treaty. We can give Sauron the Ring and he will conquer the world, but he will leave us alone and he will rule like the nice king Aragorn would be.
Others in the councel of Elrond: *blank stares*

[Nathron]

Oh, wow, these are hilarious... Not that I'm much of a comedian, but I can try...

Gimli: Anyone for polo?

Denethor: Faramir... I'm so glad you're here... You're doing a much better job than Boromir would have, and I'd much rather have you take my place as Steward than him...

Aragorn: Eowyn? Come over here... *wink* (I highly doubt he'd ever wink, period, but hey...)

Morgoth: You know, Sauron always was rather too ambitious...


~ Nath