.*.~.*.~.*.~.*. Lady Elwen Iluvalatari Namarië tenna telwan, meldonya... Nai im almië Iluvatar nar or le... .*.~.*.~.*.~.*. Ava lave endarlya na rucina. Elyë harye vorima mi Eru; harye vorima yando mi nin... Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, at least you'll land somewhere among the stars. .*.~.*.~.*.~.*. .:*:.Polished Quill.:*:.
Not bad - actually, the ideas you present are really good, but the meter is off (I don't know if that was intentional) and the rhyming pattern is somewhat discombobulated. Not sure how you want to take that. Some mistakes, like "silenced to grave in winter's night", I have no idea why "grave" is there...
Aside from all that, the imagery is really solid, and I'm impressed. Despite the meter, it flows through and you pick out sets of images, rather than just one.
I quite enjoyed the constrasts you made between heat and ice throughout the poem, and the content was certainly enough to grab my attention and make me shiver. I think it was a touch too vague and ambiguous, only because I finished it and felt a little cheated. Brilliant imagery and repetition, though. Hope to see more from you soon!
~ Little by little, one travels far. ~ -J.R.R Tolkien